A 9-Year-Old Girl Reviews Snow White (2025)

Pt. 3 Art, Modernity, & Me

By now you’ve heard or read about the vortex of abysmal torture that is Disney’s 2025 remake of Snow White. Let’s face it, we all knew this film would implode like the titanic submarine. We’re not surprised the reviews showcase mass dislike across the board. We, as adults, understand why this is the case. The release of this film was one PR disaster after another. And yet, despite all odds, wishes, and hopes Disney finally released it.

So I took my 9-year-old cousin to see it with me.

If you’ve been a Substack subscriber (it’s free btw) for any amount of time, you know how passionately I feel about princesses. In case you aren’t aware, here’s my philosophy: Little girls NEED princesses. Little girls need princesses in the same way little boys need cowboys, knights, and superheroes. It’s engrained in the tiny fibers of their souls to admire these characters! How else will they learn to love beautiful things, see goodness, and stand for truth if not taught by beautiful, good, and true stories? I know this because I am a former little girl, which makes me an expert on this matter.

Since princesses are near and dear to my heart, I desire to see my littlest cousin impacted in a similar way. Disney geared this movie toward little girls, but how well do they actually know this demographic?

In essence—we know why this film bombed—but she doesn’t. So let’s see how well Disney does at creating an inspiring character that speaks to little girls across the world, shall we?

Meeting Her At the Theater

The idea of interviewing my cousin occurred to me after I asked already asked if she wanted to come with me to see it. (In all honesty I was a bit embarrassed to go to the theater by myself so I asked her dad if she could come). The timing worked out perfectly and her dad dropped her off at the theater once I finished work.

It was during the opening trailers when we spoke of princesses and what they mean to us that the thought struck me: she’s the perfect person to review the film. Oddly enough, she wasn’t familiar with Snow White and this movie would be her first introduction to the classic fairytale. I decided to sit back and ask for her honest thoughts afterwards. I didn’t want to influence her opinions or thoughts at all. Her responses must be unfiltered, honest, and real.

Oh man, she didn’t disappoint.

The Interview

What do you think about this movie?

It’s strange.

What is a princess?

A pretty girl who wears pretty dresses and sings.

Did this princess seem like a princess to you?

Yes, but only because she sings. But also no because her dress was ugly. Why didn’t she change her clothes ever? That’s gross. Also, she looked like a grown-up Dora with an oompa-loompa haircut…with the big ears.

Did you like her personality?

No. She’s weird.

Did you like the singing?

NO! BRUH. It was cringy.

Did you like the outlaw, Jonathan?

Kinda…not really.

Do you think the movie would have been better if he was a prince?

Yes.

Why?

Because that’s just the right thing. It makes sense. He had, what do you call it? Low I.Q.

Do you think there’s anything wrong with a girl being a leader?

No not really. Princesses can be if they want to, I guess. *shrugs*

Are you inspired to feel brave, fearless, true, and fair?

No. Literally all that is, is just like it’s just a princess singing like I don’t really see how it helps at all.

What is the meaning of fair?

Everyone gets the same amount of equal. (To herself) Dang that’s actually a pretty good definition! Boom.

Additional Commentary

Why she built like that? When Snow White first appears on the screen.

How did they know that? On the animals finding the dwarves when Snow White died.

What did I just see? On the way the evil queen died.

Dang bruh, this movie is dark. When the queen sends the man to kill Snow White.

Cessation

Cheap Art

Now, it just so happens to be that my cousin is 100% correct in her analysis, but for deeper reasons than the obvious.

Going back to my philosophy about little girls and princesses, what my cousin is really saying when she’s answering the questions above (although she doesn’t quite realize it) is that this princess is extremely unrelatable to her.

Why?

The message is cheap. Actually, everything about the film is cheap— wardrobe, C.G.I., lyrics, score, humor— all cheap.

While my cousin did state princesses can be leaders if they want to, ultimately, she’s dismissive on that point. The truth is, princesses are leaders. However, in contrast to the film’s agenda, leadership isn’t political power: it’s influence and personal convictions. Every classic fairytale princess is a leader by this definition. To say girls or princesses can only lead when in positions of political power is a gross misconception and gigantic error of character.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with being a leader. Is it what girls usually dream of? No. Give us the charming price who saves us from disaster at the end of the day, but teach girls integrity, honor, and resilience in a way that’s relatable to them (i.e. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Tiana, Rapunzel, etc..)

Brave, Fearless, True, and Fair

This film places a lot of emphasis on the term fair. Considering the Evil Queen attempts to murder Snow White based on the “fairest of them all” statement, this makes sense. But of course, modernity dictates a politicization of the statement.

However, they get it wrong. They also confuse the audience because there’s a lot of contradictions in the use of the term “fair”. There’s interplay between economic and decorative definitions.

In the case of Snow White, she’s considered to be the fairest of them all because she stands up for the equality of her people. But the Evil Queen is fair in a selfish sense. This idea is implied during her “All is Fair” ensemble in which she sings, “All is fair when you wear the crown” ultimately insinuating she’s the fairest of them all because she’s in control of her own justification of fairness. (I told you it gets complicated.) But the Evil Queen intends to murder Snow White over her looks because she is also the fairest of all in appearance. I guess she has a right to think this because she’s a smoking hot Israeli model who’s secretly Wonder Woman or something.

But, at the end of the film, the mirror insists Snow White is the “fairest of all” because her beauty is found deep within her heart. So, what’s the point of the filmmakers bringing up the economic terms of fair? No one knows, and I guess we never will.

My cousin said it best, “I don’t really see how it helps at all.”

The Prince As an Outlaw-Twink

Let me be clear, the prince reimagined as an outlaw does not work for this narrative structure. Instead of Prince Charming (or Prince Florian if we’re going by the book) his name is Jonathan. (My deceased dad’s name btw). Instead of the valiant, brave, noble character who seeks to honor and protect Snow White, he lives in the woods fighting for himself “in the name of the king.”

After stumbling upon Snow White in the woods he makes a joke which the writers obviously use to dig at the classic stereotype of a “knight in shining armor.” Then, in a rebellious act seeking to one-up traditional societal structure, he sings about “Princess Problems” and dances like a twink. Yep. That’s right. Prince Charming turns into an outlaw-twink-theater kid.

Also, he has no rizz.

How do we know this? Because after the critical, life-saving kiss (which had as much chemistry as Ryan Reynolds does with anything other than a mirror) Snow White’s first thought upon awakening is of her father’s death.

Note to the men: If your first kiss with a girl reminds her of her father’s death, you’re doing it wrong.

Which, after this review, might be difficult for me to do moving forward…

Ranking

For all the reasons listed above, this film is placed on the chart as “commercialized art.” For more information about this weekly series, Art, Modernity, & Me read here.

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